But What If My Husband And I Aren’t On The Same Page?

by Kaye Wilson on July 5, 2019

Many experts emphasize the importance of parents being united regarding parenting strategies. While there’s no doubt that this kind of solidarity can provide a strong sense of security for kids, we all know how hard it is to find two people who agree completely on anything! Being married doesn’t magically make our differences go away, especially when it comes to our own children.

There’s a lot a stake here–our children’s physical and emotional well-being, their behavior, their education, our finances, and their ultimate ability to function as adults, not to mention our own reputation as parents–all of these things are tied up in the seemingly endless ways of looking at the way we bring up our kids.

Often, when moms come to me for help, they start by saying, “My husband and I aren’t on the same page when it comes to the kids. What do I do?” While each situation is different, there are some things that can help, no matter what you disagree about.

First, sit down and talk about your family. You should each consider your thoughts on questions such as these:

  • What are your goals as a family?
  • What are your hopes for your children?
  • What are the concerns you have regarding your children’s behavior?
  • What kind of education do you want for your children? etc.

It is essential to be clear about what your own desires are, to communicate them to each other, and to listen to each other regarding your hopes and dreams. Write them down. Find areas you have in common. Discuss the differences you have. There are probably things you assumed about each other that are wrong! Talk through these things, apologize where appropriate, and work toward clarification.

Second, write out some details of how you think your family ought to function, expectations you may never have expressed:

  • Family dinners together
  • Regular chores for the kids
  • Good table manners
  • Regular family game nights
  • Limited technology
  • Friends over for dinner regularly, etc.

As you write these things down and begin to get a better idea of your expectations and which of them you might have in common, it will become clear that you might have to make some changes for them to become reality. For example, if you want your kids to have good manners, you’re going to have to teach them. If you want a family game night, you’re going to have to do some scheduling, etc.

Third, talk through the changes that may need to be made; honestly assess whether or not they are doable and, more important, whether you are able and willing to make them.

  • Is dad able and willing to be home in time for family dinners?
  • When will the children do their chores, and who will oversee their implementation?
  • What, exactly, does “limited technology” mean? Does it mean dad needs to limit his own gaming? Does mom need to curb texting? Will we let the kids watch TV? How much and which programs? What about phones?

Each of these areas leads to multiple questions, and you won’t be able to solve everything in one discussion. Agree to set aside time for several such discussions until you work through everything, or if possible, plan a weekend away to work through it all.

As you dig deeper, you will run into things either you or your husband are not willing to do–maybe he’s not willing to schedule a regular game night like you want, or maybe you aren’t willing to have people over for dinner as often as your husband would like.

What to do?

Here’s what I recommend. Wherever you disagree:

  • Honestly recognize it and accept it. Do not even think of trying to change your husband, and do NOT accuse him of selfishness, not caring about the family, etc.
  • Look at your priority list and see how many of these things you might be willing to let go of. For example, could you be happy with the occasional spontaneous game night, trip to the park, or evening walk rather than a scheduled “family game night”? Can you let go of family meals every night and instead maybe plan on two or three?
  • If necessary, take care of things you view as vital on your own! If the chore thing isn’t important to your husband, but is to you, just do it yourself! Start teaching them a few daily chores, and make it part of the routine. If dad inadvertently undercuts what you’ve asked them to do, don’t get mad at him, just talk with him about it later or make some other adjustment.

You and your husband, while united in many ways, are still individuals with different ways of looking at things. Instead of ruining your life together constantly trying to change him and continually resenting him for what he’s doing or not doing, just accept it. No, it’s not ideal–I wish every family had a clear and unified purpose, and that all parents agreed with each other regarding how things are done.

But the reality is that we are flawed, selfish, and short-sighted. Agree where you can, do things on your own where you have to, talk through the things that you believe are essential, and compromise where possible.

Show grace to each other, and trust that your husband truly has the best interests of you and your family at heart.

 

 

5 Keys to a Happy Day With Your Toddler

by Kaye Wilson on June 27, 2019

Anyone who has a toddler knows that they’re unpredictable; one minute they can be humming and as happy as can be, and the next they become little Tasmanian Devils, screaming, throwing, hitting, biting, and rolling around on the floor. There are reasons for this, and you probably are not surprised by it, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. The fact is, toddlers can ruin your day, and fast.

Here are five things I’ve discovered as a mom that may not make for a perfect day, but can certainly make for a much happier day, for both you and your toddler!

Number 1: Lead from the front. You’re the boss, the leader. You have to be in front!  Be awake and dressed before your toddler. This is really hard sometimes, especially if you are not a “morning person” and your toddler is an early bird. However, anticipating when your little one will wake up and greeting them from a position of caffeinated clarity  puts you at an advantage from the very beginning. When it’s time to do the next thing, simply say, “It’s time for breakfast!” or what have you. Whatever you do, DON’T say, “Well honey, what do you think? Do you want to eat now? What sounds good to you?” You’re the leader–lead!

Number 2: Think ahead. Plan what’s going to happen, and when: meals, naps, appointments. If you haven’t done it already, establish a regular time for meals, naps, and bedtime. Keep this rough schedule in your mind; it gives you structure, and helps keep you from acting impulsively, or just reacting to your kids’ whims, which usually leads to cranky children and frazzled mom.

Number 3: Music and cardboard. I know, it sounds odd. Here’s the thing: most of us agree that we let them watch too much TV, and that phones and ipads are not really great for them, even if we may not view them as truly harmful. But what are toddlers going to do all day without those things? Let them play! If you give them something made of cardboard–an empty cereal or oatmeal box, an old wrapping paper tube, a shoe box, all of the above–throw in some measuring cups and spoons, maybe an old deck of cards–and turn on some music, you’ll be amazed at their ability  to entertain themselves! Music provides a background to the story they’re acting out–and trust me, there is ALWAYS a story going on in those little heads!

Number 4: Outdoor play. Here again is a perfect alternative to technology and TV. If you are fortunate enough to have a fenced yard or patio, or even just a porch or deck, let them take some toys outside to play by themselves. A small plastic container of water and an old paintbrush are terrific for “painting”. Of course, you should be within eye and earshot, and not engrossed in technology yourself–but with a few toys or a couple of those cardboard containers, a toddler can play happily for quite an extended period of time. If you have swings or a sandbox, even better, but they are certainly not required.

Number 5: Quiet time. Has your child outgrown naps? You must make daily “Quiet Time” an institution. Here’s how it works: Tell your child it’s just “Quiet Time”–they are not required to sleep at all! They can play quietly however they like but may not come out of their room until you come get them. Show them on your watch how long it will be; they don’t have to understand it, just that it’s a set amount of time. If they come out early, tell them you’re sorry but quiet time is not over yet, and you will have to add five minutes every time they come out early. You’ll be amazed at how much they learn to love this time; they will have time to think, to look at books (maybe read aloud to their toys), act out scenarios with all of their stuffed animals, build things, and so on; very often, they will even fall asleep. During this time, you can sit with your eyes closed (aka take a nap!), or read something, or enjoy a hobby. Gradually increase the allotted time as they become more used to it.

Toddlers can be challenging and exhausting, but with foresight and planning, most days can be satisfying and happy for you both.  Don’t try to do too much, know your limits and those of your children, and always return to structure when things go crazy! Take advantage of kid swaps with friends, or mom’s day out, but don’t feel like you’re doomed to stress when you have to be home alone with them. Here’s to many happy days ahead!

Order=Peace

by Kaye Wilson on June 12, 2019

I always enjoy the ordered beauty of a well-tended lawn. There is something restful about it. My neighborhood has lots of different degrees of orderliness as far as lawns are concerned; some are small, immaculate and tidy, some larger with a more landscaped look, a couple filled with all kinds of kitschy figurines, and quite a few that look forlorn–junk on the porch and in the lawn, and only the bare minimum of mowing done.

In a way, the lawn is a reflection of something about the occupants of the home. Of course, an unmown lawn does not necessarily mean the person in the house is a lazy slob, and a well-groomed lawn may only mean the person in the house is obsessed with outward appearances, not that he or she is a good person. But it does reflect something. Some process of thinking, or some life circumstance, has led the person in charge of such things to decide either to spend his time/effort/money on lawn care, or not.

The fact of it is, order and upkeep of anything requires some kind of effort, some kind of investment. And another fact is, order brings a sense of peace and satisfaction to the world, even just the world of my street, and that sense occurs whether the order comes from expensive landscaping or simply keeping things in their proper place.

Which brings me to our kids: They have a world of chaotic growth going on within them–and it’s good! They are often exploding with energy and ideas and determination, things they want to learn and experience, things they want to consume, or even to destroy. What they don’t possess naturally is order; they don’t have the ability to regulate themselves and their desires, to fit themselves into the world around them without sometimes (or often) being disruptive, and without this order, there can be no peace, for them or for us, or for anybody within fifty feet!

Wendell Berry said, “Order is the only possibility of rest.” The Bible speaks of the Messiah bringing an increase of government–government–and peace! Government and peace go together–I’m pretty sure that is not a reference to what goes on in Washington D.C., but to a proper ordering of things. When things are in order–closets, drawers, lawns, emotions, relationships–we experience peace.

We know this, or we wouldn’t mow our lawns, you know? Unruliness must be tamed, chaos must be put in order, and children must be taught and trained in order for there to be peace and rest.

“Children must be taught and trained in order for there to be peace and rest.”

That’s why we’re here, parents–it’s our job to help our kids learn to order their impulses, to curb their destructive tendencies, to channel their energies–to govern themselves. Like gardeners, we are given the task of mowing and trimming and planting and watering these little chaotic gardens, and it’s a tough job that requires quite an investment of time, effort, and money, just as lawn care does. The investment we make (or choose not to make) will be visible to everybody, and it will reflect something of the gardener, first us, and then as they learn to tend their own gardens, it will reflect something within themselves. One day, may these little gardens–so chaotic now– bring a sense of things being in order, of beauty, of peace to everyone they meet.

Making Life Special

by Kaye Wilson on June 6, 2019

I’m ridiculously pleased with the items I just brought home from a brief shopping excursion. They aren’t much–an oven mitt, a candle, and some makeup: foundation and powder–but for some reason I feel like it’s my birthday!

As I’ve wondered why I’m so pleased, I think it’s come down to three reasons: first, the trip itself was more enjoyable than shopping trips usually are; I had plenty of time to browse instead of trying to squeeze shopping in between appointments, and I was at the mall mid-day, mid-week, so parking and crowds were not issues. Second, part of the purchase was a splurge–the mitt and the candle. I very rarely buy something just for fun, something that isn’t on my list of things I need, so even though together they cost less than $30 (in fact, partly because they were not expensive), it felt really special and fun to buy these two items from one of my favorite kitchen stores. Third, though makeup is on the list of things I need, the packaging of what I bought was especially lovely–I love the floral exterior, the feel of the material the boxes are made of, the lettering, all of it. I seriously considered saving the box just because it was so pretty!

These are small things, and you may wonder why I’m mentioning them in a parenting blog. The thing is, I think this drove home for me and serves as a good example of how we can bless our children by giving them less rather than more–fewer “special” things, like treats or trips to the store or toys–and by giving them less extravagant things when we do choose to do something special.

I remember being taken to the local drive-in for a root beer when I was a child; we didn’t even get out of the car, but being with my family on a hot summer night, hearing the radios in the other cars and the murmur of people talking, and the cicadas drone while I sipped that icy mug of root beer–wow, that was a real treat! It was made even more so because we so rarely ate out or went to the movies or anything that cost money. We might go to the local amusement park once per summer, and every now and then my dad would take us swimming, but special nights were usually popcorn and an old movie on TV (no movie rentals and certainly no streaming video back then!) watermelon and a game of charades on the front porch, or games with the family. For vacation we drove across the country in un-air-conditioned cars (no video or electronic games) to go camping in National Parks.

I know of kids now whose parents take them out to eat on the reg, reward them for “being good” at the store by buying them a treat, give them money to buy whatever they want when they go to the mall, provide iphones and ipads, and make sure they have non-stop entertainment. I don’t condemn them for this, but it’s hard to make anything really special when it’s all so routine.

Parents, think back to what you thought was special when you were a child. Don’t feel like you have to shower your children with stuff simply because you have the means to do it, or out of fear that your kids will feel left out or “different”. Instead, bless them by making sure their life is different–and by that I mean special.

 

Your Days Are Numbered

by Kaye Wilson on April 4, 2019

When you’re a parent, lost in the crazy whirl of day to day responsibilities and challenges, it can be tough to remember the goal. It sometimes seems as though the highest and best thing you can aim for is getting food on the table and making sure everybody gets to soccer practice or tae-kwon-do on time. As important as it is to keep our children fed and where they need to be on time, there are higher goals than staving off hunger so that we can make it to extracurriculars.

In his book, The Road to Character, David Brooks speaks of two sets of virtues, the “resume virtues” and the “eulogy virtues”, and says we’re far too focused on the resume virtues with our children. We fixate on achievement, grades, college admissions, and anything else we can do to ensure they will fit in, stay out of trouble,  and eventually become gainfully employed. These virtues also include things like being a team player, having good organizational skills, being able to manage people well, and being a self-starter, all of which are valuable traits, especially on a resume.

In contrast, the virtues we hear in a eulogy are those things that set a person apart, the set of qualities that made them memorable and that we hope to emulate, such as compassion, loyalty, integrity, and courage. As parents, we rarely think of these virtues in relation to our children, partly because we’re so intent on helping them “succeed” and partly because, frankly, we forget about them. They almost seem outdated, old-fashioned–the kind of things you read about in books by Laura Ingalls Wilder or articles in Guideposts. We wouldn’t object to our children possessing them, we may even hope they possess them one day, but they just aren’t on the day-to-day radar.

Why is that? Why is it that we don’t think about them? I think it’s because we have become short-sighted and shallow. We’re driven forward by the current trends and fads prevalent among our peers–not our kids’ peers, mind you, our peers. Whatever group we spend time with and want to be accepted by is the group that will set the tone of our expectations regarding our children. Our group, in turn, is influenced by whatever cultural/media presence or personality we most admire and want to emulate. Of course, these aren’t the only influences we’re affected by, but because we spend a lot of time being entertained by pop culture, we end up absorbing–more than we might think–the particular perspective of pop culture, making light of things that should be taken seriously and getting upset over things that don’t really matter in the long run. Even among people of faith, we’re often so immersed in our favorite Netflix binge or the latest Bachelorette that our thoughts remain “in the sha-a-aaa-llow.” (See what I mean?)

The result of this is often shallow and expedient thinking in relation to our children. We find ourselves focusing on how they look, what their grades are, making sure they don’t stick out, and whether or not they’re in the kind of activities that will look good on a college application. In working to accomplish these external goals we often forfeit the opportunity to help them learn the more important internal qualities: to be content with and care for their possessions, to contribute to the work of the home, to struggle for understanding and skill in difficult subjects, and maybe even to accept failure graciously and learn to try again. We nag them about their behavior towards others while allowing them to be rude and disrespectful toward us.

We have an obligation, not to make sure our kids’ lives go according to the most desirable current narrative, but how to handle life when it doesn’t go according to any narrative that we would ever want to think about. What if college isn’t in their or your financial capability–will you suggest they take out a massive loan, or will you already have prepared them to save and work and make do with what is within their reach, say a community college or tech school? What if the only work they can find isn’t particularly satisfying–will they know how to live a richly satisfying life, regardless? What if they lose everything in a flood or wildfire or earthquake–things which seem oddly possible these days!? What if  they’re tempted to commit adultery, or embezzle from their boss, or accept credit for something they didn’t do? The college they attended is irrelevant in the face of any of these scenarios.

In the Scriptures there are multiple examples of God’s children being in positions where they must face the sinful world in all it’s ugliness and unfairness. Think of  Moses, born into a world hostile to his very existence, then given over to be brought up by a woman who served false gods; or Joseph, the delight of his father, sold into slavery by his own half-brothers, unjustly accused of sexual assault, and wrongly imprisoned–God forbid that anything remotely like this should happen to one of our children, but clearly God had a purpose in allowing these things to happen to these men when they were mere children. In fact, it was these very hardships that God used to shape them into the leaders they became. Their mothers must have been a part of their preparation for these difficulties.

Difficulty and unfairness are all too often a part of life, and while we are fortunate that there are often ways of changing a tough situation for the better, this is not always the case; even when change is possible, it is  often a lengthy and costly process, in terms of both money and emotional stress. These are things we have an obligation to prepare our children for. We don’t need to outline every possible negative thing that might happen to them, of course, but they need virtue, and they need wisdom, both of which are in our power to help them acquire.

We must begin by remembering that our days are numbered. We don’t know how long we have to live, but we know we won’t live here forever, and that when we die there will be an accounting taken of what we’ve done while in the body. When we think of life in this way, our perspective shifts to more lasting values. Perhaps, if we can start to remember that the time we have with our children is finite, and that life itself is fleeting, we will have the presence of mind to impart truly lasting values to them; maybe then both we and our children will have eulogies to be proud of.

“So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” Psalm 90:12

Gratitude: Beyond “Thank You”

by Kaye Wilson on March 18, 2019

One of the first things most parents teach their children is to say “Thank you”. It’s a small thing, but important– it’s an acknowledgement that the giver was under no obligation give “it”, whether  the item in question is a gift or a glass of water. As parents, we hope that teaching this small phrase to our child will be the beginning of an understanding of genuine gratitude. We know that children are naturally self-centered, and that it takes time to learn to be grateful.

We also know that there are things our children will not be able to appreciate for years–the firmness of a teacher, or the consistent discipline and longsuffering of a parent are things they’ll only appreciate as adults, when they are parents themselves. We send them to school with a basket of goodies for the teacher because we, as adults, now understand something of what the teacher is doing for our child, but the child honestly can’t really get it; not yet.

Here’s the thing about gratitude–it’s something that lives in the heart; it’s a realization that life doesn’t always bring us gifts, that nobody owes us anything–from our daily bread to treats and toys and opportunities to do fun things–and it’s an appreciation for those things when they do come our way.

Gratitude can’t really happen until we’ve experienced some kind of lack. We can teach the fact of gratitude, that we should feel grateful for the gifts of life and breath for example, but we don’t fully appreciate these gifts because they’re always with us and seem unremarkable. It isn’t until we’re struggling for breath, say, in the deep end of  a swimming pool, or are in a car accident and feel a close brush with death that our gratitude becomes really and truly real.

So it is with our children; we surround them with love, we provide them with the food, clothing, and shelter they require, and we shower them with treats, toys, and fun opportunities. They have everything they need, and just about anything they want, to the extent that, in many cases, we cater to their every mood lest they become unhappy. Is it any wonder that they feel no genuine gratitude? We can hardly fault them for being selfish and demanding–if they whine and cry, we present them with a toy or a treat to quiet them. We say “no”, then reverse ourselves at their wheedling and begging–“just this once”. We pacify them with iphones and ipads, movies and TV shows lest they be made to endure a few minutes of boredom.

We should be embarrassed and ashamed! Can we really not see any further than the immediate gratification of a child, or bear to be the object of her disapproval? This is not how parents should behave. We have an obligation to teach our children how to delay gratification, yes–this is part of it. But we also must teach them that we might not EVER get what we want, and that this is okay. We must help them understand that throwing a tantrum is NOT the way to behave when we don’t get our way (in spite of the fact that we see adults doing that very thing on the news every day). Children need to understand that the world is NOT their oyster. Honestly, if parents of a previous generation had seen to this responsibility, there would not be such a problem with student debt, and the shameful college admissions cheating scandal would not have occurred.

So, without being angry with them or making a big deal out of it, here are some things that every parent can and should do for their children, starting today:

  • Give away (or store) most their toys. Limit each child to 5 favorites and get rid of the rest. I’m serious.
  • Stop rewarding them with treats for everything under the sun.
  • Make special things special by doing them rarely.
  • If something breaks don’t replace it.
  • Stick to three meals a day, snack only at set times, and don’t cater to your children’s tastes– if they don’t want to eat what you prepared, fine, they don’t have to eat it, but there should be nothing else offered.
  • Make your children contributors to the family by requiring them to do a daily routine of chores (starting at age 3).
  • Teach them to respect their property and the property of others, with meaningful consequences for being careless or destructive.
  • Avoid the use of technology of any kind to pacify them, teaching them instead to enjoy books or other imaginative options–every person needs to know how to occupy himself during periods of inactivity and boredom without depending on technology (put down your phone!)

 

This will not be easy for most of us, partly because we have an oversentimentalized view of our kids, and partly because indulging them is much easier, and much more fun; it gives US the instant gratification of their momentary delight and approval, not to mention their occupation with something other than whining and complaining. But indulging children is to do them an unkindness. It sets them up for false and unrealistic expectations of the world around them, making them self-centered and discontented in the long run, addicted to the always new and entertaining.

How much better to teach them to work through disappointment, to learn to be content with what they have, and cultivate true gratitude for the people, things, and opportunities in their lives.

 

 

 

Doesn’t Work? Doesn’t Matter!

by Kaye Wilson on January 28, 2019

In the great adventure we call Parenting, most of us want to find solutions that “work”, meaning of course, solutions that will stop the (fill in the blank) tantrums, arguing, fighting, hitting, peeing, not eating/sleeping/listening, etc. . .

Sometimes the consequences we impose aren’t painful enough to get a child’s attention, but often when a mom finds herself grasping for the insta-fix, you can almost bet she’s worn out and has lost sight of the goal. At the moment, she doesn’t care about the goal, she just wants the craziness to stop!

The goal is  that the child sees a mom who means what she says. This is a mom her child can count on to stand her ground and not let the child’s behavior move her an inch. This mom means what she says, and isn’t thrown by a little childish foolishness. This mom knows where she’s going, and is gonna lead the child all the way there: to responsible adulthood.

No technique can force a change of behavior. If a child’s behavior changes, it’s going to be because we’ve imposed genuinely painful consequences for bad behavior, calmly and consistently, and the child has decided the bad behavior isn’t worth it; he’s beginning to understand that there are some things you just can’t do, and some other things you just have to do.

We parents have to keep doing the right thing–making the rules clear, and calmly imposing consequences when they’re broken, over and over again–even if our children choose to do the wrong thing. That’s leadership.

So, the next time you say to yourself, “Why isn’t this working???”, just remember–what your child needs from you is to stand firm. Make sure the consequences are painful enough to get his attention, then keep doing the right thing even if your child keeps choosing the wrong thing.

Why Every Mom Should Stand Tall

by Kaye Wilson on March 13, 2017

B and AshMotherhood is a tough gig. It doesn’t matter if you grew up loving babies and dreaming of being a mom, or if, like me, you never really gave it a thought until you were married, it’s just plain tough in ways other things aren’t.

There are multiple reasons for this: lack of sleep, difficulty balancing responsibilities, temporarily giving up on other goals and ambitions, wear and tear on the bod, and so on. Mainly, though, it’s the fact that our culture isn’t kind to us. It doesn’t encourage us to be moms, and once we become moms it does nothing to salute or commend what we do. We’re constantly faced with images of the young, beautiful, and successful, and we feel pressure to try to be all those things; in fact, the implication is that we should get this childrearing thing out of our systems ASAP so we can get back to being what women are supposed to be–tough, assertive, competitive with men.

Strength is important, as is being able to stand up for ourselves if we’re ignored or treated poorly. But not all of us want to compete, with men or anybody else. We have a strong sense of who we are, and we love what we do.

We wonder if something’s wrong because we don’t have the urge for a career. We worry about “wasting” our college education. We worry about the glamorous, childless women our husbands may work with, and we obsess over an extra inch or two. We are always in conflict; the image in our heads of what we think we should be is always in conflict with the realities of motherhood, and it wears us down.

Well here’s the truth: Motherhood is good, motherhood is natural (in spite of what you may have been told), and it is worth everything we go through to have it. This is not to dismiss or insult those who either can’t or have chosen not to be a mother, it’s Screaming Gwensimply an affirmation of those who are mothers, by choice or default.

Motherhood takes every ounce of strength, perseverance, grit, ingenuity, intelligence, creativity, endurance, and self-sacrifice a woman has, uses it all up, and generates more. Mothers are capable of miracles and magic, in many cases sacrificing time with their children to supplement income by working outside the home, in others, sacrificing dreams of working outside the home because childcare is not affordable. And then there are those like me, who have their dream job–staying home to be a homemaker and mother–but struggle with isolation, and a sense of being looked down upon, being viewed as “less” of a real woman because they choose a life of domesticity.

Whichever kind of mother you are, you should stand tall! Being a mother is not the only valuable occupation a woman can have, but it is one of the most significant in terms of the enduring effect it has on the world. Just because it’s a cliche doesn’t mean it isn’t true: “The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world.” Mothers have more impact on the future than any CEO, politician, actor, singer, or cultural icon, of any gender, because they cultivate the hearts and minds of the humans that will be responding to all of the above mentioned leaders. These leaders are constantly sending messages to the world, and how we–and the children we bring up– respond to them determines the course of history.

So mothers, shake off any sense you may be feeling of inadequacy, any embarrassment at not having a “real job”, any shame at “having to work”,  and the burden of trying to be what the culture dictates. Don’t be ashamed of valuing your children above having a career, or of being proud of keeping a warm and welcoming home, or not having time and money for a trainer and maybe being less-than- glamorous. Being a mother is a gift! Only women have the privilege of being mothers! Enjoy it, don’t apologize for it–and stand tall!

Iphone June 2013 322

 

 

 

 

 

The Right Kind of Conflict

by Kaye Wilson on January 27, 2017

with donutI could never understand why my kids wouldn’t just do what I wanted them to do. They seemed to love making me crazy, no matter what I did or said, and it didn’t bother them when I got angry and frustrated!

My guess is that your toddlers are like mine were–lots of energy and curiosity, loving the fact that they can feed themselves, use the potty, and run really fast. They’ve figured out how easy it is for them to get into things while you’re busy doing something else, or run away from you, often in public places. They completely understand the power of the tantrum and use it often, also in public places! And they aren’t afraid of conflict.

I used to think all conflict was bad, and did everything I could to avoid it, including using threats (Do you want a spanking?), making deals (If you eat this, you can have that!), and trying to explain (We don’t hit! That’s not nice!). But that was before I understood the right kind of conflict!

Here’s what usually happened, pick any scenario: meal time, the child refuses to eat; I call her to come, she runs away;  I tell her to not touch, she grabs (and often breaks) something; we’re at the store, she throws a fit and screams because she can’t have something. In every situation, I become irritated and flustered. I say “No!” followed by a threat, deal, or explanation designed to get her to do what I want her to do–eat, come here, put it down, stand up and stop crying, whatever. She continues to refuse and resist, so the threats, etc. increase along with the pitch and volume of my voice. You’ve been here before, so I don’t have to explain in detail what happens–it ends, but it’s not pretty.

I honestly expected that after one messy incident like that, my child would understand that I didn’t like this behavior, and never do it again. I mean, who in their right mind would willingly do something she knew was going to result in such conflict, including angry words, tears, and often yanking of arms? Oh right–a toddler!

Here is what I learned to do.

  1. First, decide ahead of time what I will and will not allow. Just a few, basic rules–eat what I give her, stay beside me, keep her hands to herself, etc.
  2. Make my expectations clear ahead of time. “This is what’s for dinner, sweetheart! You don’t have to like it, you just have to eat it!” At the park, “You can play anywhere within this boundary, kiddo!” etc.
  3. Be ready with consequences. Don’t fight if she refuses to eat what you serve–smile and say “That’s ok!” If she comes back hungry offer her the same thing, and don’t give in with any alternatives or snacks. If he bolts at the park, don’t run after him and don’t yell–keep an eye on him, and head for the car. When he sees you’re going to leave he’ll come closer, and you can grab him. Calmly put him in the car (screaming and crying) and leave,  explaining (again, calmly) that he broke the rule so you have to leave.
  4. Adjust my expectations. Because toddlers have no impulse control on their own, I learned to expect that at any moment my child could become unhinged. I learned not to be surprised at her refusals and outbursts.
  5. Be absolutely unflappable. Since I was now expecting whatever she might dish up, I learned not to register anger or frustration, but to simply keep calm and implement the consequence.
  6. Be ready for more. Toddlers aren’t rational. They don’t think about what they’re doing, they just act on impulse. For this reason, I learned to expect several repeat performances.
  7. Be a brick wall. Toddlers gain security from knowing where the boundaries are. Don’t move them! If it’s not okay to refuse food today, it has to be not okay to refuse food tomorrow. If tantrums are not allowed today, they must not be allowed tomorrow. What you will or will not allow has to be the same day after day, regardless of where you are, and your response to your child’s behavior has to be the same day after day, regardless of where you are!

    “What you will or will not allow has to be the same day after day, regardless of where you are, and your response to your child’s behavior has to be the same day after day, regardless of where you are.”

Understanding these things, and changing the way I approached dealing with my toddlers changed these episodes from being power struggles where everyone ended up bloody, to a simple test: Mom, are you still in charge? As long as I stayed calm and immovable, my toddlers learned that I was in charge, and that they could count on me to mean what I said. Conflict? Yes. But your toddler’s security and your own sanity depend on it!

photo

 

 

 

My 4 Steps To Holiday Peace On Earth

by Kaye Wilson on December 1, 2016

babies' xmas

What is it about Christmas that can lead to so much stress?

As a  young wife and mother, I found myself tired, stressed, and often sick by the end of the holiday season. Looking back now, I can laugh about it, but early on I had some not-so-wonderful times.

Growing up, I believed that real women make things, especially at Christmas. I was determined to be the best wife and mother I could be, so one Christmas I headed to the local craft store, baby in tow, to buy something to make as gifts. I wasn’t sure what that “something” would be, but I figured such an enormous store would have plenty of inspiration.

By the time I’d settled on something, my baby was screaming, and I ended up at the car with a couple of items I hadn’t paid for–they’d been in a basket under the stroller and I had overlooked them at the checkout. I just sighed and loaded everything into the car, too tired to get the baby out and make the slog back across the parking lot to the store. It was the first and only time I ever shoplifted.

Gwen wearing xmas treeThen there was the year I decided the kids would help me make Christmas cards using tempera paint and potato stamps (bas-relief designs cut into a raw potato half). My helpers–an infant, a 2-year-old and a 4-year-old–were very willing, but not terribly able, and I eventually gave up. I put them down for naps, finished the cards myself, and cleaned up the mess just in time to get the kids up and start fixing dinner.

My eventual decision to forego craft projects didn’t solve the holiday stress problem, however. There were program rehearsals, special clothes, decorations, relatives, and all of the other holiday delights that so often don’t really delight us at all.

On top of that, I often felt guilty for being so materialistic. My children had more toys than they would ever play with, and yet they were looking through the toy catalogs, making lists for more. I couldn’t imagine how I would ever convey the “reason for the season” to them.

After some soul-searching (and some pretty stressful years), I came up with the following strategies for making this season more enjoyable.

Make a plan.

  1. Take a calendar, a pad of paper, and a pencil to a cafe or coffee shop. If you’re married, make it a date. Mark all parties, programs, and outings on the calendar. List every person or charity you want to give to, list what you plan to buy, and approximately what you want to spend for each. If you’re married, divide the list into who will shop for each item.
  2. Set aside particular times for wrapping gifts, enjoying cocoa by the fire, reading Christmas books to the kids, etc.
  3. Rather than taking the kids shopping with you, plan a trip to the mall only for the purpose of seeing Santa and all the decorations. For all actual shopping, hire a sitter or shop while the kids are in school.

Eliminate non-essentials

  1. Pitch the catalogs. They create clutter, waste time, and give kids way too many ideas. Besides, everything in a catalog is online anyway.
  2. If you love projects with your kids, terrific! If you’re like me and don’t handle that well, give them the materials to make their own decorations, or the ingredients for cutout cookies (assuming they’re old enough). They will not feel neglected, I promise.
  3. Spend a couple of hours gathering toys your kids never use. Bag them and put them in the attic, or donate them to the Salvation Army. If your kids protest, tell them you have to make room for new toys–can’t keep them all! Be firm.

    My daughter's table set for Christmas Eve dinner, 2015. No paper plates this time!

    My daughter’s table set for Christmas Eve dinner, 2015. No paper plates this time!

Simplify

  1. Keep meals simple. If you’re entertaining, it’s not necessary to prepare the most elaborate cocktails, the most hip hors d’oeuvres, the fanciest meal or the most sensational dessert. Even consider buying part or all of the meal–frozen lasagna or rotisserie chicken, bagged salad, frozen pie, etc.–and maybe use disposable dinnerware! The important thing is to enjoy your friends and family.
  2. Use all one kind of giftwrap–all white with red ribbon, all brown craft paper with plaid ribbon, all gold with red, etc. If that’s not to your taste, fine, but it can make wrapping simpler.
  3. Go media and tech free a couple of evenings each week. Go to the library for special holiday books, turn the Christmas music on, let your kids work on crafts, and relax!

Prioritize Your Health

  1. Stress, crowds, lack of sleep, and lots of rich holiday food can lead to sickness. In addition to limiting stress by doing the things listed above, be sure to get plenty of sleep, drink a lot of water, and try to not eat too many sweets. You’ll feel so much better!

I can look back on my early days and laugh at some of the stress I created for myself. I meant well, I promise! But the stress was hard on my health and well-being, and created stress for everyone around me as well.

This holiday season, give yourself and your family the gift of  less stress and more peace and goodwill.

B under tree

Do you have some great strategies for coping with the stresses of the season? I’d love to hear them–share them with me, and I will share them in another post!